So, this is a hard subject for me. Not really to talk about, but to just battle.

I have a history with body issues. First, I’m just a bigger person in general. I inherited my dad’s body and as a child, I was bigger than every kid in my class save one really tall girl. I weighed 100 lbs in 4th grade and I only remember because my 4th grade teacher specifically said, “No one in this class should weigh over 80 lbs.” Yikes. Ask me what this was in reference to or what we were learning – I couldn’t tell you, but boy do I remember that. Like, I can literally see her sitting up at the front of the class and all of us on the floor for read aloud time.

I went home and told my mom, who immediately was like, “She’s an idiot, Brittany. She has no idea what different bodies weigh. She has no idea that you play competitive soccer and have way more muscle than all of the kids in your class.” Even then, I could never shake the fact that I weighed 20 more pounds than what I “should.”

The feelings continued and more instances came up…

At six, I was playing on the monkey bars – which I was very good at – and a girl said, “Brittany’s fat.”

In sixth grade, my friend Malik was sitting next to me and took one look at my legs squished against my chair and said, “Damn Brittany, you thick.” It was the worst.

Then hitting 150 lbs in 7th grade even though I had hardly any fat on me and I had visible abs.

Even when I went through my anxiety phase where I didn’t leave the house or really eat anything except crackers due to painful IBS at age 16 – I lost about 15 lbs and looked really too thin. Doctors were concerned but everyone who saw me said how “good” I looked. I felt miserable, was majorly struggling with anxiety and seclusion – but I sure looked good to everyone. It was so hurtful and confusing. Good to others was me starving myself on a cracker only diet…

It’s been a weird road friends. Throughout most of my childhood and young adulthood, comments were regular and I knew how “big” I was for my age. Those kinds of things stick with you, even when your parents tell you to ignore it.

After high school and competitive soccer ended, I packed on the pounds in college thanks to little regular exercise, emotional eating and a poor diet. (I always was a picky eater.)

But after college, I took matters into my own hands, starting working out, changing my eating habits and trying to reduce stress. It worked and I was steadily losing weight and keeping it off. I really hit my stride from 2013 – 2015. I knew we wanted to get pregnant in the next few years and I was motivated to enter pregnancy as healthy as possible. We switched to almost solely organic produce, ate out less and walked 2 – 5 miles daily in our neighborhood daily. I finally got down to around 185-190 lbs which is my ideal weight for my height and muscle mass.

Fast forward to today – two kids, new stressors and changing hormones thanks to my age – and here I am AGAIN: about 50 lbs overweight and frustrated.

Frustrated that I let myself get here and frustrated at the effort it’s going to take to change it.

The old voices have come back… No one respects you at this weight. It’s so embarrassing. What do you know about health? You can’t even manage your own…

I was walking today, something I’m trying to incorporate back in because it’s enjoyable and so good for you, and my mind was going over all these things. Intrinsically, I know it’s not true. I can see how massive life change and two active kids have made it harder to take care of me. New jobs for both Eric and I, a diet change after ending my breastfeeding journey with Hawk and a very busy schedule. It’s all contributed and it’s OK… dare I say understandable for someone who has tendencies to coping with food.

While some might read this and say, “Who cares if you’ve gained weight?” I do.

I feel unhealthy. I’m uncomfortable. I know it’s unhealthy. I believe my body is a temple and that I should take better care of it – even while knowing I have to give grace. I’m not on board with all body positivity and no honest discussion of health – which might be controversial, but it’s how I feel.

It’s good to identify these things, to give myself grace and to make a plan moving forward. I’m really trying.

I’m also reflecting on these thoughts – the way childhood words stick with you and the value I place on health and how I’m not meeting my own standards…

It’s a tough pill to swallow. I don’t want others to judge me for this period in time and if I’m judging myself so harshly, am I this way with others? Yes and no.

I get this struggle. I live this struggle. I know the feelings and the reasons and the ick of it all. I don’t wish it for anyone and I wish it was easier for those like me.

There’s root causes that affect people – whether we’re talking about weight, attitude… really anything.

So here I am, writing about it. This period. This place I didn’t think I’d be again. Overweight, struggling with emotional eating from stress and knowing, once again, I have to change it for myself. No one else can.

What’s my plan?

1. Move my body more. Daily walks.
2. Reduce sugar. Eventually to 0. (Yes, this is extreme, but as a sugar addict, it’s soooo good for me.)
3. Daily prayer.
4. Prioritizing sleep. (So hard. I love my solitude in the evenings.)
5. Realistic to lists/tasks
6. Give it all to God.

This plan sounds great, but the task of consistently implementing it has proven to be really HARD.

Thanks for listening and if you’re being hard on yourself, too – I’m with you AND we deserve grace and LOVE, no matter what it is you’ve done or you’re dealing with.

With love,

BK